February 2013 Newsletter

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Developing Healthy Relationships

Insecurity and codependent relationships were the sphere of Paula’s social life. Her relationship with her mother was stressed by the inconsistency of multiple stepfathers. She remembers separate family photos: the stepfather with his kids, and one with Paula and her mom. In addition, she had a polycystic medical condition that affected her insulin level and tendency for weight gain.

Marriage did not break the cycle; really, it confirmed codependency as a tolerated lifestyle. Unhealthy as it was, it seemed better than the alternative. She had a determination not to be a broken family, like she had with her mother, even as it meant other negative effects. Paula and her husband argued about money, disciplining their children, shared responsibilities.

Then it got worse. She had a weight loss surgery done that caused her to lose a considerable amount of weight within a few months. Paula said, “It changed my shoe size to everything about me. It was like I had a face-lift. I had my own mind now. He always wanted to know where I was going, what I was doing, and he accused me of things.” He was jealous. The tension was too much. The family split. She actually slept in her car for a couple of months, while they co-parented in their house at separate times of the day. Then she surfed from one person’s couch to another, eventually falling into the trap of despair and criminal misbehavior. She said, “I was stuffing feelings and pain – liked the food issue. It would make me feel good. I didn’t care. I had nothing else to lose.”

Paula’s probation officer gave her a directive to go to the Mission’s Samaritan Inn. Her PO called ahead, expecting her to arrive here or she would be sent back to jail. She said, “I went to Samaritan Inn scared, alone, shaking. I had no idea walking up thoughs stairs what was on the other side of that door. I had no family, no friends, no money, no car. How was I going to do all these things? But this place is amazing. In an hour, my tears subsided; I wasn’t scared anymore. I knew it was going to be OK. I felt the presence of God. There was peace within and love in the home. I started praying here that God would make some changes in our lives. I didn’t know how to fix it.”

A lack of housing did not cause their homelessness, nor would housing solve their problem. Broken relationships with God and family as well as an identity issue were the problems. Our Kinsman Redeemer, the Founder and Author of relationships, is the answer. The Lord is our Rescuer. Housing does not rescue or heal broken relationships. Paula prayed with staff. She said, “I went to Bible studies and really got into the Word, building a personal relationship with the Lord. I saw Him work in my life and other peoples’ lives. Encouragement was all around me. God restored the relationship with my mom and me. Then my husband and I would talk and pray together on the phone. There was spiritual growth, love and respect. We got back together again as a couple and a family.” Paula now has a new identity and is living in renewed relationships with God, husband and children!